The Number 23

This post is not related to porn so if you’re a purist and only come to this blog for my musings on pornography you can skip it. But one of the side effects of porn is that it tends to whet your appetite for the real thing. That is: you can only consume so much porn before you want to go and do some actual fucking. Have your own sex, instead of watching others do it for you.

And if you’re going to go and have your own sex, you’ve got three options:

1. You can get married to someone who will have sex with you on a regular basis
2. You can get into a relationship with someone who’ll have sex with you on a regular basis
3. You can have a bunch of one-night stands

There may be some fear with options 1 & 2 that you could end up in a marriage or a relationship where sex dries up after a while, but that’s a topic for another post (which I probably won’t write).

It should be noted that these categories are not mutually exclusive. You can get married and also have a little some’n some’n on the side, and also have the occasional one-nighter. Nothing prevents you from mixing and matching other than, you know, morals. There are also these newfangled things called “open relationships,” where you can be married or in a relationship with an explicit agreement that you’re also allowed to fuck other people, and/or bring them into bed with your primary partner.

This post is for married men who are looking for a little something on the side. But first:

A Message For the Ladies

Ladies, this post is addressed to married men who would like to become cheating bastards, or who are already cheating bastards but would like to up their game. I do not mean to imply that all men are cheating bastards. Lots of men stay faithful to their wives and their girlfriends – many more than you would be led to believe if you watch TV or enjoy movies. (And good god, if you watch soap operas the whole notion of faithfulness is entirely skewed!)

Maybe you’ve had boyfriends or husbands who have cheated on you, and you weren’t happy about it, but that doesn’t mean that all men are cheating bastards. Lots of them aren’t. But this post is for those who are (or would like to be).

So with that out of the way...

Men Who Are Looking for Mistresses: Don’t Do It

No, seriously. It’s not a good idea, guys.

Not on moral grounds, that’s not my bag. By all means go out and fuck as many girls and women as you want. But having an actual mistress? An ongoing relationship with one particular girl? It’s just begging for trouble.

Look, I know it sounds like a good idea: find some young thing who’s still got her body intact with her gravity-defying boobs, a girl who loves sex and has her own place you can go to any time you want for her to make you feel like a real man. What could be better? Plus, we all know that as you get to know someone, and get a good idea of their turn-ons and turn-offs, and as they get to know yours, the sex will get better and better. And since morals are changing these days she’ll probably be open to the idea that this is a purely physical relationship, and she won’t want or need anything more than that.

Except that the reality is that no matter how society views sex, and how open we get to purely physical relationships, most people still want to settle down and get married eventually. That girl you started fucking, who was so turned on by the idea of doing a married man when you started out, will probably decide at some point that she wants more than that. She might even decide that she wants it with you – after all, sex does breed a certain amount of intimacy (if you’re doing it right). There’s a very good chance, regardless of the initial intentions, that love will form on one or both sides. Assuming that you want to stay married to your current wife, this will cause problems.

It is possible that you’ll find a girl who just wants physical couplings, not emotional attachment, that neither of you will change your mind on that point, and when it’s time to move on you’ll do so amicably. That is a possibility. But another possibility is that, regardless of initial intentions, things will end badly and your marriage will become a casualty of the shrapnel from your exploding side relationship. Is that a risk you want to take? If not, have some one-night stands, find some escorts, take some business trips where you can take your wedding band off when you go to the bar, do whatever you want, but don’t have an ongoing thing with anybody, especially anybody single. The danger is just too high.

However, if you’re determined to do this, despite my advice, I do have some information that will help.

How to Pick a Mistress

If you’ve been to any kind of online dating site in recent years you’ll know that there are a lot of different criteria you can use to narrow your search: how old she is, what race she is (if you’re a racist), whether she’s a smoker, how tall she is, what her body type is (there are a million euphemisms on the dating sites all going out of their way to avoid saying “fat” or “skinny”), what her hobbies are, etc. If you go to a sex-related dating site like Adult Friend Finder I’m guessing there are probably also categories about different kinks she’s into.

But if you’re looking for a mistress only one of these criteria matters, and you can be pretty specific about it: You want a girl who’s about 23 years old.

Oh, I can already hear my readers scoffing as they read this. You’re wondering how I can possibly be so accurate as to pin down the exact age when a girl is ripe for becoming a mistress. But it’s true: 23 is the exact right age for a girl to be open to the idea of being a mistress (whether formally or informally). Some of you are thinking, “But surely it depends how old the man is, doesn’t it? As he ages, wouldn't the ideal age for his mistress also get higher?” But it doesn’t. Whether the man is 25 or 35 or 45, the ideal age of his mistress is still 23, because it has nothing to do with him, it’s all to do with her.

A 23 year old girl is at a unique phase in her life. She’s no longer a teenager – those years are far behind her – and she’s just finishing college/university or just starting her career. She probably lives on her own. She is no longer a girl in her own eyes, she’s now a woman. She has started to experience life. She has sex and is proud of the fact that she enjoys it, partially because she assumes that other girls her age are probably more prudish than she is. Maybe she even has some idea that she’s a feminist because she enjoys giving blowjobs (instead of just doing it to make her partner happy).

But – and this is key – she’s not nearly as mature as she thinks she is. I’ve had sex with a lot of 23 year old girls, and in retrospect I realize that most of the side relationships I’ve had have been with girls around this age. Believe me: all of them, without fail, think they’re more mature than they are. They’re comparing who they are now with who they were when they were teenagers and seeing how much more mature they are, without realizing that all of the other 23 year old girls out there are doing the same thing. The most common phrase I hear from 23 year old girls in the bedroom is: “people tell me I’m mature for my age.”

I even get this from escorts (who have no reason to impress me, but want to anyway). A lot of girls go into escorting around this age (for some of the same reasons I’m claiming that they make good mistresses), and I’ve had so many 23 year old escorts brag that “people tell me I’m mature for my age” I can’t even count them. And I’ll let you in on a secret: Men will continue to tell you that, because that’s exactly what a 23 year old girl wants to hear!

Why is this? Well, a 23 year old has started having life experiences, which have given her the illusion that she knows what life is about, but doesn’t have nearly as much life experience as she thinks she does. Although she’s no longer a teenager she still has a teenager-like impulsiveness that prevents her from examining the consequences of her actions too closely.

Approach a 25 or 26 year old woman with the idea of starting an adulterous affair and she’ll probably be thinking some of the negative things I mentioned earlier: Even if we have the best of intentions now, what will happen later? What if one or both of us grows too attached? What if his wife finds out – do I want that kind of drama in my life? Approach a 23 year old girl with the same idea and she’s not as likely to go down those paths in her brain.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying 23 year old girls are dumb. If anything they’re smarter than their 23 year old male counterparts. I’m just saying that there’s a lack of life experience at that age from which to draw, and we live in a culture in which we’re openly scornful of taking advice from our elders. So a 23 year old girl’s meagre life experiences are all she has to draw from.

The irony is that even though we are so disdainful of taking advice from our elders, a 23 year old girl is young enough that she will still be willing to look up to an older man and excuse his flaws. By the time you’ve been married for 10 or 20 years your wife is pretty tired of your foolishness, and perfectly willing to call you out on it, but a 23 year old girl is happy to take you as you are, flaws and all. “He’s not rude, he’s dynamic! He’s not short-tempered, he’s forceful!”

And of course, the biggest one of all: Isn’t it wrong for him to cheat on his wife? “But he’s got so much stress in his life, and his wife doesn’t know how to take care of his needs like I do!”

How to Convince a 23 Year Old to Be Your Mistress

“OK,” some of you are thinking, “I buy into the idea. Let’s assume you’re right, and 23 is the right age to look for. Now what? Once I’ve found such a girl, how do I convince her to become my mistress?”

How the hell should I know? There are a million sites on the internet that claim to teach how to get girls in bed and how to get them to go out with you, each as crappy and useless as the next. You’re just going to have to feel out the situation and see what works.

And if it backfires and she tells your wife what you’ve been doing don’t come crying back to me! I already told you that this was a bad idea!