On “Fucking” vs. “Making Love”

How does one define “fucking,” and how does one define “making love”? Obviously both are categories of sexual activity, and the definitions are more qualitative than quantitative. When two (or more*) people are having sex they might be “making love” or they might be “fucking” or maybe they’re doing neither.

* Does it get tiresome that every time – and I’m pretty sure it’s every time – I talk about people having sex I always say “two (or more)”? Is that qualifier really necessary – are there that many people having group sex that I need to worry about leaving them out?

It’s pretty clear that “fucking” is a way of having sex. When you have sex in a particular way it’s “fucking.” Similarly, “making love” is another way of having sex, so when you have sex in a particular way it’s “making love.” That’s clear to everyone.

What’s clear to me is that different people probably have different definitions of what they consider to be “fucking” and what they consider to be “making love.” What you consider to be “fucking” might just be “regular sex” to me, for example, or vice versa.

One question I’ve mentioned once or twice on this blog, however, is whether there’s any overlap between “fucking” and “making love” – or, put another way, are the two mutually exclusive? Or can you make love to someone and fuck them at the same time?

I’ve known people who thought it wasn’t possible, that “fucking” and “making love” are two different things. I used to wonder to myself if it was possible, and then I accomplished it and realized that yes, you can be “fucking” and “making love” at the same time.

As I say, I’ve written about this before. I’m pretty sure that when I mentioned it I was talking in the context of a previous girlfriend of mine, who didn’t believe you could “fuck” and “make love” simultaneously until I proved it to her, and I’m pretty sure that any time I mentioned it was trying to do a couple of things:

1. Prove some point that I was trying to make at the time, and
2. Try to make my readers believe I’m some sort of accomplished sexual virtuoso with amazing skills in bed.

None of this should be surprising since I’m a man. We love to throw in subtle (or not so subtle) hints that we’re amazing lovers whenever we get a chance.

But I’m not just a man, I’m a straight man. If I were a gay man how would I feel about this?

I read a post on HuffPo written by a gay man, talking about the fact that he prefers to neither be  a “top” nor a “bottom,” and getting into some of the nuances of his sexual preferences (versus those of some of his partners). It was an interesting read, especially since there are some issues mentioned that I would just never think about.

But there was something that he and I definitely have in common: He has an issue (if I may put it that way) with “bottoms” since they seem to just want to lie there and get pleasured, and I have the same issue with some submissive women I’ve been with: sometimes they’re calling themselves “submissive” but what they really mean is, “I want you to do all of the work, while I just lie here and enjoy the orgasms you provide for me.”

His way of dealing with this is to prefer side-by-side sex, instead of being either a “top” or a “bottom” – making the terms “top” and “bottom” quite literal – but my way of dealing with it isn’t so clear cut; I just need to find partners who are as into the whole thing as I am.

I had a partner text me the other day to ask how I would feel about her being on top, and I replied that I’m quite happy for her to be on top, and the next time we find ourselves alone in a hotel room together she should try it. She is definitely a submissive woman, and loves it when I take control (as do I), but she gets that being submissive is a state of mind, not a sexual position. Neither does being submissive mean that she can never take any initiative, or be a full and equal partner in the endeavour. (Who calls seamy, adulterous sex an “endeavour”? Something’s wrong with me.)

Do I love to bend her over the bed and fuck her from behind? You know I do! I also love to slide into her missionary style and then stay there, as deep as I can, while I kiss her. I also love to spread her legs, take her neck in my hand, and lock eyes with hers while I penetrate her. And if you can think of another position (I’m sure you can – feel free to leave some in the comments!), I probably love doing that with her, too. And I know for a fact that I’ll enjoy it very much when she straddles me and lowers herself down onto me. Even if she goes her own pace – even if she just takes some time to use me for her own pleasure, like a flesh-and-blood sex toy. My goal is for her to be pleasured, and this will be a great way to accomplish it.

This has little to do with porn, of course. I just read the HuffPo post and wanted to comment on it.